Just Thinking About You
by Seiaku
Summary: Kurama loses everything because of Hiei. Yaoi. And yes, I'm making Kurama suffer.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This fan fiction will only tell you Kurama's side of the story. This means that you will not know what all the other characters are thinking about. And also, if you want to read a fan fiction with a happy ending to it, then go read another one. But nothing bad will happen in this chapter,  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. If I did, I don't think that they will be able to fit in my closet.  
  
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Just Thinking About You  
  
Another rainy night, another night when I can't think straight, another night of homework which are not done, another night when I can only think about him. Speaking of him.  
  
"So nice of you to drop by," I said to my little guest who was hiding in the shadows.  
  
"Hn," was all that he said but I understood him perfectly clear. He was wet and wanted some dry clothing. After all, he is half fire demon.  
  
After our oh-so-long conversation, I went to my drawers and got some dry clothing for him.  
  
It was a pair of white shorts and a white shirt connected to a hood with bunny ears. I got these from my kaasan when I was nine.  
  
"These should do," I said as I held out the bunny outfit.  
  
"Hn, are you insane? You want me to wear that?" he said with his normal, neutral expression. No matter how cruel he is, there's always that innocent child-like look in his eyes. It also makes me want to go over to him, embrace him closely and. no! I can't think about these things now. Not now, not ever.  
  
"Well, why not?" I asked teasingly, even though I already know the answer to that question.  
  
For some reason, I always have an urge to tease the little half koorime. It might be because of my youko side but what I don't get is why do I only get an urge to tease Hiei. I mean, I do tease Yusuke and the others but I tease Hiei the most.  
  
Maybe it's because of Hiei. Every part of him is perfect in every way: his size, his shape, and defiantly his eyes. I mean, when you stare into those red pools of lava, it makes you feel like you're drifting in a never-ending hole of fire.  
  
"Because it's stupid," Hiei said, interrupting my thoughts.  
  
"But they're the only pair of clothing that I have which are about your size," I lied. I had many other sets of clothing. I just wanted to see what he would look like in the outfit I gave him. I bet he would look so cute in it, maybe even too cute.  
  
" Hn, there is no way that I'm wearing that thing," Hiei said in a monotone voice.  
  
Hiei never shows emotions. He hides it well. Maybe that's another reason for why I like teasing him so.  
  
Another reason is probably because my youko half loves challenges and bringing out Hiei's emotions is defiantly a challenge. This means that to Youko, Hiei's nothing more than a toy. That's why I can't love him. It's probably very confusing to others but to me, it's very clear. I love him and I will never hurt him. He'll hate me if I did. I know him all too well. Or maybe, I don't know him at all. He hides his emotions too well to say. But one thing is for sure; I will never hurt him. And that's something I promised myself.  
  
"Well," I smirked," you can always walk around naked".  
  
After saying that to Hiei, my imagination took over my mind. It showed me a picture of Hiei, naked. I would have to admit, he looks nice.  
  
"Hn," Hiei said. This meant that he 's going to think about it.  
  
Hiei knows better. He knows that I'm teasing him. Oh well, it doesn't matter.  
  
"I'll have to go with naked," Hiei said to me as he threw the outfit I gave him onto the floor.  
  
At that moment, I felt my face getting hotter. I don't think he's kidding. What if he actually takes off this clothing, I don't think that I will be able to contain my urges.  
  
He must have noticed that I was blushing but who wouldn't?  
  
"You're becoming more of a ningen everyday," he said as he took off his shirt.  
  
I turned away, making sure that I was not facing Hiei.  
  
"I really don't understand but if it makes you feel any better, I'll wear my boxers," Hiei said to me like it was no big deal.  
  
After Hiei took off his clothing and gave them to me, I took them inside my bathroom and hung them up to dry.  
  
After that, I went back to doing my homework. I tried hard to concentrate but I just can't. I keep think about him but I don't want to turn around; I might just lose control.  
  
"You know that you're sweating," Hiei said.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked as I turned around. Then, I started to panic; I just made on of the biggest mistakes in my life.  
  
At that moment, I started to walk up to Hiei. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. Something was controlling me. More like a stage but not just stage, a ningen.  
  
I then pushed him against the wall and kissed him passionately.  
  
I knew it was a mistake but it was something that even I, Youko Kurama couldn't control. It was one of the many curses of being a ningen. It's called teenage hormones.  
  
I felt warm, very warm. Could it be love? No, it's not. It' just me, it has to be.  
  
I parted from Hiei when I sensed that someone else was here.  
  
I turned around to see who it is. To my surprise, it was my kaasan.  
  
The look on her face was full of surprise and fear. I can understand that she'd be surprise is she found out that her son was gay but I see no reason why would she be afraid.  
  
The look on her face was not only full of those emotions but full or pain as well. She then, fell unconscious.  
  
I ignored her, thinking that she might think that this was all a nightmare when she regains conscious.  
  
I turned back to Hiei, who was also very surprised but it didn't take long before he snapped back into reality.  
  
"Don't do that again, kitsune?" Hiei said as he began to make his way to my bathroom. This is, before I blocked his path,  
  
"Get out of my way!" he said as he pushed me aside. I quickly got up and grabbed him and embraced him in a hug.  
  
" I love you" I whispered into his ears before I kissed him.  
  
The kiss didn't last long. After our lips meant, Hiei pushed me away, which made me lose my balance, and I fell on my bottom. After that, he continued to make his way to my bathroom.  
  
I just sat there, staring at Hiei, wearing a face full on question.  
  
After Hiei finished dressing himself with his clothing, which are still wet, he jumped onto my window and opened it.  
  
I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out.  
  
Hiei, who somehow understood what I was going to say, said, "I don't love you and I never will."  
  
At that moment, I felt my heart break into many little pieces.  
  
"Oh, and don't show your face to anyone until you've looked in a mirror," he said and then, jumped out the opened window.  
  
I sat there, on the floor, thinking about Hiei, for hours. Then, I remembered what he said. "Look in a mirror." Why?  
  
I got up from the floor bur not before falling down again.  
  
I walked over to my kaasan. I then picked up and carried her to her bedroom. Then, I laid her down and went back to my own room to get some sleep. Hopefully, when I wake up, this will all be a dream.  
  
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Nothing bad really happened to Kurama but I assure you, it will happen very soon.  
  
Kurama in this fan fiction is very pathetic. If you love him, don't read this and go read something else.  
  
Why he is pathetic: 1.) He promised not to hurt Hiei but ends up hurting himself. 2.) He denies reality.  
  
I just know that I'll get flames for this. 


	2. Chapter 2

Is mom Kaasan or Okaasan in Japanese?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho  
  
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I woke up the next morning, feeling refreshed and restored. But I feel something's different about myself this morning. Actually, I felt like this since when I kissed Hiei. Speaking of Hiei, I wonder if we're still friends. He didn't seem that angry last night. I should stop thinking so much; it's making me hungry.  
  
I walked out my room and down the stairs and into the kitchen. And there, sitting in a chair, drinking coffee was Kaasan. Kaasan, I forgot all about her! I hope she doesn't remember what happened last night.  
  
I then sat down next to her, trying my hardest to look innocent.  
  
"Good morning Kaasan, did you sleep well?" I asked her.  
  
I waited patiently for an answer. This silence felt weird; it has never happened before. I waited a bit longer before she put down her coffee cup down on the table and spoke.  
  
"Who are you? And what have you done with my Shuuichi?" she asked as she stared angrily into my eyes.  
  
"What are you talking about? I am Shuuichi," or at least, that's my ningen name. Has the wrench gone mad? Or does she need glasses. Wait, what am I talking about? I've never thought that my Kaasan was a wrench; I've never even insulted her before.  
  
"Do you really expect me to believe that you are my son? You don't even look like him!" she said as she slammed her hands onto the table.  
  
I was startled by what she had said. What is she talking about? Does she have a fever? This isn't like kaasan.  
  
I looked to her. She must be really sick. I've never seen her like this. She slammed her right hand onto the table and spilled some coffee. There has to be a reason to why this is happening. Wait a minute; my reflection in the spilled coffee doesn't look right. Something's wrong.  
  
I ran into the bathroom and looked at the mirror. What I found was not my usual red hair. It was silver. And, I had fox-like ears and a tail. What I found was not Shuuichi. No, it was Youko Kurama.  
  
"You are not my son. Get out of my house!" I heard someone say. It was, of course, my kaasan. She was standing next to the door of the bathroom, watching my every movement, angrily.  
  
" But I am, just-," I didn't get a chance to clearly explain myself before my kaasan interrupted me.  
  
"GET OUT!"  
  
I'm not sure what happened. After I was shoved out my own home, I felt something different inside me. It was probably just me, changing back into Shuuichi. It doesn't matter anymore, now that I'm rid of the hag; I have no reason to remain in this stupid ningen body. Oh well, it doesn't matter, it's not like I care anymore.  
  
.Was is just me or did I hear something rustling in the tree above me? I grinned at the thought of who it is.  
  
"So nice to see you again," I said but it didn't come. Then, I got impatient. "What's the matter?" I asked, trying to pry an answer from him.  
  
"Leave me alone, you stupid fox!" he said in his usual manner but I detect a hint of fear in his voice. What I don't understand is why.  
  
"What's wrong, Hiei? Did I really scare you yesterday?" I asked. He didn't seem scared at all.  
  
"Hn, no. I just don't want to be near you"  
  
"I don't know what you mean"  
  
"Hn," was all that he said before he left. Deep down, I knew that it wasn't mean who he's scared of. No, it was that fact that he might kill me if I did anything "inappropriate" and get sent to Makai jail. I don't know what to do now. All I know is that I have nothing to live for now. I have no one to love or do I have anyone who loves me so, this is where my life ends.  
  
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To be continued. 


	3. Chapter 3

If you don't like yaoi, read another story and in case you people don't know, yaoi means guy X guy. And if you adore Kurama, read another story because I'm going to make him suffer. Yes, I'm repeating myself. I'm only doing that because some of you still don't know this.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone but who cares?  
  
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I'm walking but I don't know to where or why. My legs are moving by themselves and I can't stop. But, it doesn't matter; nothing matters to me anymore.  
  
I'm walking calmly into a forest. It seems so familiar but I can't remember, my head and heart is full of pain and regret. I guess Hiei was right; I've become too human.  
  
I kept walking until I reached a temple. Now I remember, Genkai and Yukina likes here. Now I understand, my life isn't worth living anymore; I should just drop dead. I mean, the reason for my being in Ningenkai is gone; why should I remain in this fragile and pathetic excuse for a body?  
  
In time, I arrived at the temple and the first thing I saw was Yukina sweeping the porch. Yukina is such a sweet girl; it makes me wonder how someone like Yukina can be related to Hiei. But, the way Hiei acts is just a mask, a mask to hide his emotions and his heart. I guess he doesn't want to get hurt after all the things he has experienced but, who would have thought that I'd be the one to suffer?  
  
"Ohayou Kurama-san"  
  
"Huh, oh, ohayou Yukina-chan," I said, not even noticing that Yukina has already seen me until now.  
  
That's funny, I feel fatigued; I wonder why. I mean, I did walk a long time but I am a yokai. I don't know but I truly don't care.  
  
"Ne Yukina, can I use your bathroom?"  
  
"Oh sure, but what for?"  
  
"Um, you see, you shouldn't ask someone what he (sexist!) does bathroom. It's quiet rude and kind of embarrassing"  
  
"Oh, sorry!" she said as she blushed. Yukina, a sweet girl but a bit on the dumb side. I chuckled as I began to walk into the temple. I seems like Genkai isn't here. Good, all the more easier to do what I have to.  
  
I walked to the kitchen (not the bathroom), then stopped to smell the sweet aroma that filled it; Yukina must be cooking something.  
  
I walked over to the counter and picked up a knife. I then tested it by cutting my arm; too dull. I put the knife down and picked up another one. I tested this one too; it'll do.  
  
I held the point of the knife to my neck, ready to cut it until I realized that my hand was shaking.  
  
I put the knife down on the counter, wondering why my hand was shaking.  
  
"It doesn't matter," I said softly to myself as I shook my head. I picked the knife up again and slashed my neck. Blood then burst out.  
  
Blood, blood covered everything.  
  
I suddenly dropped the knife, feeling faint. My vision is becoming blurry. All I can really see is my blood, floating rapidly down my neck. I smiled.  
  
"Kurama-san, can I-" I turned around to see who it is. It's just Yukina of course. She has a shocked expression plastered onto her face.  
  
My legs can't hold much longer because of the loss of blood. I collapsed but not before I smirked at Yukina.  
  
I can't see anything anymore, just darkness. All I can hear is parts of what Yukina is saying. "Kurama- are you- wake up- please- Kurama- Help!"  
  
To be continued 


	4. Chapter 4

Do I have to repeat myself again? I hope not.  
  
Yes, I know Kurama is out of character. And whoever told me that you usually cut your wrist instead of your neck: good for you. I'll remember that when someone ask me about how to kill themselves. No, I'm not insulting you; I'm just not in a good mood. As you can or cannot see, I'm very annoyed but not at you.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho and I never wish to.  
  
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What? Where am I? I can't see anything. What happened? Oh wait, I remember, I killed myself but then Yukina came along. Damn, I better not be still alive because of Yukina and her stupid healing powers. I'm sorry if I don't sound like me at the moment; I just don't want to be alive anymore.  
  
"Kurama, Kurama, wake up."  
  
Kuso, I hope this doesn't mean I'm still alive.  
  
"Kurama, get up."  
  
Stop shaking me; you're going to give me a headache, whoever you are.  
  
"Kurama, GET YOUR ASS UP!"  
  
I jumped up, shocked at the sudden change in the tone of whomever it was. I opened my eyes and looked around the place for whom that voice belonged to. Oh, it's just Botan and Kuwabara.  
  
"Thank goodness you're alive Kurama."  
  
What!?! I'm alive? I don't want to be alive! I want to be dead, you hear me! I can't be alive; I don't want to face Kassan or Hiei. Not after how stupid I was.  
  
"What, I thought you said that he was de-," Kuwabara didn't get to finish before Botan elbowed him in the stomach. Was he going to say dead? Then Botan turned to be and began to talk nervously.  
  
"Um, Kurama, there's something we have to say to you"  
  
Oh hurry up I'm getting impatient. You won't like me when I'm impatient.  
  
"You see, um, after your incident earlier"  
  
Hurry up!  
  
"Well, we were all shocked but what you did but... No wait, we're not sure. We only know what because of what Yukina has told us"  
  
Come on, I'm not getting any younger!  
  
"But Yukina isn't the kind of person to lie so-"  
  
"HURRY UP AND SPIT IT OUT!" I screamed. I would attack them if I had to in order to get the information out of their throats. Oh wait, I screamed and but the looks of it, I scared them. Well of course I scared them. If I were them, I would've scared myself. I mean, who would of thought Shuuichi, the calm and poised one would be like this?  
  
"Um, Kurama are you-." Looks like Botan can't find the right thing to say. I would have found this very amusing, especially her facial expression, if I weren't so agitated. I hope they mentally noted to themselves to not annoy the fox. Ha!  
  
"Oh, sorry. I don't feel every well, considering what has happened," I said as I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. Just so you know, I'm acting but you gotta admit, I'm good. Okay, I did not just say that. No seriously, I didn't; Youko did. I'm not kidding! Of course I am because you know I'm bad. I didn't say that either! Okay, calm down Shuuichi; this is not the time to argue with your other self.  
  
"Oh, of course! You must feel somewhat agitated," Botan replied, smiling. Look, I don't feel somewhat agitated, I feel REALLY agitated. If you don't tell me now, I'm rip off your head!  
  
Hm, looks she received my message by looking at my eyes because she's starting to sweat like an idiot.  
  
"You see, Yukina said that you tried to kill yourself." That's not what I wanted to hear. I don't want to hear TRY, I want just want to hear killed yourself. Hey, look at me! I'm not happy! Tell me what I want to hear now or else someone in this room is going to die! And for future references, it's not me.  
  
"But..." So there is a "but".  
  
"This is a quite serious problem," you said as your face turned from stupid to serious. I gave Botan a questioning look.  
  
"Oh, forget it! I can't take it anymore! Kurama, you killed yourself and now we want to know why! Why? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU KILL YOURSELF?!?" Kuwabara shouted as he looked like he was about to either burst into tears or kill me though I highly doubt he could. I didn't say the last part. I'm actually touched by Kuwabara's concern for me; I didn't know he cared. Oh damn his ugly face! I turn my head, just enough to not be able to see his face... and Botan's surprised expression.  
  
"Kuwabara! You weren't suppose to say that! But, I guess since it's said, there's nothing I can do about it," I can hear Botan saying to Kuwabara. I can practically feel the feeling Kuwabara is feeling now; anger, embarrassment, and sorrow. Before I knew it, I was laughing, hysterically.  
  
"What's so funny?" Kuwabara asked. Oh, how priceless this expression is.  
  
"You said I'm dead," I replied, not even bothering to contain the hint of amusement in my voice.  
  
"Yeah so"  
  
"You said I'm dead"  
  
"Ya, I know that"  
  
"I'm dead!" I said as I started to laugh again.  
  
"Oh no, Kurama's gone insane," Botan said as she gasped.  
  
"No, I'm not insane," yet.  
  
"Well, then Kurama, I don't see why it's so funny; this is serious!" Botan scolded me. Hn, you just don't understand.  
  
"But," your stupid face brighten up, "if it was anything like a demon controlling you or something like that, I'm sure you can get a second chance to live. After all, you did help save the world a couple of times."  
  
Hm, to die or to live? Why live? What's left for me? Huh, looks like my face betrayed me and showed my thoughts because Botan looks worried.  
  
"What's wrong Kurama," she asked. What do you think is wrong?  
  
"I don't want to live," I said softly but loud enough for both Kuwabara and Botan to hear.  
  
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?"  
  
"I don't want to live anymore; I have nothing left to live for," I muttered, almost ashamed of myself. Almost.  
  
"Kurama! What? Why? I hope you're not planning to die and become Youko Kurama because you'll be arrested," I know that. But of course, how long can they keep me arrested? But, that's not what I'm planning.  
  
"No, I just want to die." You look shocked. Did it shock you that much? Well, it doesn't matter; I have already made up my mind and I don't change my mind after it's made up. Well, not for a stupid reason.  
  
"Kurama, I-"  
  
"I want to die and you can't change my mind"  
  
To Be Continued... 


End file.
